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Penis Manual

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SHAGNASTY'S"

Penis Owners Manual

The definitive guide for the male sexual machine...
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Part of the
Penis Owners Club

Shagnasty is available through ICQ (48723888) and is currently: -

Comments to :   Shagnasty are welcomed.

Why would any red blooded male need an owner's manual for his private parts? There's nothing to program, no wires to splice. If something goes wrong, you just, well, uh... ask your cousin Barry, who studied medicine for a year before buying that ice-cream van.

To be honest, most men don't have a clue as to what's going on down there. We pee, zip, tuck, scratch, rub! and, if were lucky, make love. All in uninformed bliss. We fully expect the thing to perform flawlessly for 70 plus years without any maintenance beyond a daily lather.

But inevitably, something goes wrong, whether it's a line drive up the middle during a company softball game or a lusty command to snap to attention that goes unheeded. And when it does, we men are befuddled, embarrassed, terrified - so much so that we often postpone seeking professional help until the pain or anxiety becomes unbearable.

It is with this level of ignorance in mind that I decided to offer up this manual, a do-it-yourselfer's guide to understanding, maintaining and troubleshooting the one eyed bald headed trouser lodger, AKA, your privates. But because I know that listening to a urologist (dick doctor) would be dull to say the least so this guide is organised just like the manual you got with your nice new car.

I just hope that you read this one!
pom1.gif (64170 bytes)

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment descriptions, operating instructions and maintenance requirements.
 

WARNING

Throughout this manual, the words CAUTION! and WARNING! appear. These serve as reminders to be especially careful. Failure to follow instructions could result in serious damage. When it comes to service, remember that your doctor knows your penis best and has the required technical training and genuine private parts to assure your ongoing satisfaction.
 

BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS
(all model years)

PENIS

Average length and diameter (flaccid)

3.5 x 1.25 inches

Average length and diameter (erect)

5.1 x 1.6 inches

Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect

300% (wow!)

Longest medically recorded erection 12 inches
Amount of blood in erect penis 8 to 10 x normal
Average erections per night (while sleeping) 5

Average duration of each nocturnal erection

20 to 30 minutes
Estimated replacement value (good condition model) £50,000

CAUTION! -- The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more: - cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Keith Richards.

TESTICLES 

Average length and width 1.4 x 1 inch
Average weight 0.875 x 1.75 ounces
Temperature 94.6 degrees Fahrenheit
Compartments within each 400

SPERM

Average body's production 50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)
Days to maturity 84
Number in ejaculate of average fertile man 200 to 600 million
Number of ejaculate of infertile man less than 50 million
Percentage of total ejaculate 3%
Average swimming speed 1 to 4 millimeters per minute
Average life span once mature 1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets

CAUTION! --The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

SEMEN

Average volume of ejaculate 0.5 to 1 teaspoon
Chief ingredient Fructose sugar
Caloric content 5 calories per teaspoon
Protein content 6 milligrams per teaspoon
Average number of ejaculatory spurts 3 to 10
Average interval of ejaculatory contractions 0.8 seconds
Farthest medically recorded ejaculation 11.7 feet

BLADDER

Average capacity 7 to 13 ounces
Normal flow 7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds

 
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

Before Attempting to operate your privates, it's recommended that you thoroughly familiarise yourself with the location and function of all parts and controls.
Basically your penis is designed to do three things: -

1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE

The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See "Troubleshooting" later in this document.

2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur. 
About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support. 

CAUTION! -- Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function. 

3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION

Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. 
When it's time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions. 

STARTING THE ENGINEcarspann.gif (2534 bytes)

The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs: it's inside your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark traveling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a Granada, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model. 

HARD STARTING OR STALLING

If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine. 

If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available options/upgrades"). 

WARNING! -- Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence. 

SPARE TYRE

Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller. 

Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly. 

BREAK IN PERIODtoungcar.gif (2115 bytes)To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality. 

ACCELERATIONgarhear.gif (1318 bytes)0-60 MPH: Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age. 

WARNING! -- Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control. 

SUDDEN STOPSgarbrake.gif (1157 bytes) Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle. 

HANDLINGgarfeel.gif (1211 bytes)In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of control. 

ENGAGING THE CHOKEgarsee.gif (1247 bytes)To postpone ejaculation and extend love making , engage "the choke" . This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's head prior to orgasm. 

FUEL REQUIREMENTSgarage.gif (4036 bytes)Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits. 

BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONSgarsmell.gif (1272 bytes)Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut. 

ALIGNMENT

One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use turn signals before changing positions. 

SAFETY BELTS

It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from jarring. 

CAUTION! --Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended. 

A WORD ABOUT SAFETYrepair.gif (1848 bytes)As a supplement to your personal restraint system (the withdrawal method), it's highly recommended that you wear a condom. Although such air bags do not guarantee complete protection from sexually transmitted disease, they are dependable devices that significantly reduce the risk when used properly. 

CONDOM DEPLOYMENT

  1. Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be careful of fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or puncture the material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or on your partners spiked collar. 
  2. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration occurs.
  3. Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms. Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom.
  4. During withdrawal, hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And use each condom only once. 

MAINTENANCE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required. 

TO BE DONE DAILY:

It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day. 

TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST):

Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually. 

TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY:

After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue. 

YEARLY INSPECTION:

Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things: 

  1. A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not computer).
  2. A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble.
  3. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue. 
WARNING!

Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied. 

SERVICINGcarspann.gif (2534 bytes)

The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among: 

  • 20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly
  • 30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
  • 40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
  • 50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
  • 60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
  • Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends!)

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECKgarfeel.gif (1211 bytes)Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. 

If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.) 

FLUID LEAKS toungcar.gif (2115 bytes)After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery. 

CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET garsee.gif (1247 bytes)Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. As many as 85% of penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure. 

LUBRICATION

ADDING OIL:

For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water. 

DISPOSING OF USED OIL:

When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a towel. 

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately. 

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES:

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment. 

MAJOR DENTS:

If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility. 

TROUBLESHOOTING

The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.

PROBLEM. Penis seems small. SOLUTION. Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis. Keep in mind that the average vagina is just three to five inches long.
PROBLEM.  Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one. SOLUTION. Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.
PROBLEM. Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were. SOLUTION. This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.
PROBLEM.  Ejaculation happens way to fast. SOLUTION. Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarise yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or in the bath. Since it's the same muscle that contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control during sex.
PROBLEM. Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it once was. SOLUTION. Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is experienced.
PROBLEM. Pain in testicle. SOLUTION. Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or authorized dealership

carspann.gif (2534 bytes)AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADEScarspann.gif (2534 bytes) 

**Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs**

VASECTOMY:

Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser. 

VASECTOMY REVERSAL:

Contemplating a U-Turn on that vasectomy you had a few years back? No problem. The Vas Deferens can be spliced so your sperm can backstroke again. The procedure is safe, relatively quick (90 minutes) and, when performed by a trained technician, be effective in more than 90 per cent of cases. 

TESTOSTERONE:

Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection. 

PENIS ENLARGEMENT:

Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker. 

WARNING!-- Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.

FORESKIN RESTORATION:

For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin. 

WARNING!-- Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

PENILE IMPLANTS:

If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available.

  • A non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to war chinos.
  • A hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis.


 

Further Reading by me...

Further Reading By Others...

The Penis Owners Club!
Monthly silliness for all that own one.

Penis Behaviour Problems
Your penis questions answered

Cycling & The Hidden Dangers to your dick!

Bigger is better... Is it?

Bashful bladder or Paruresis?
The inability to pee when not alone apparently!

"Shagnasty's book of the month"
cover
The Penis Book : An Owner's Manual
By Margaret Gore

Shagnasty's Book Listing -- Here

This has been a Shagnasty production of some reasonable value.
Proof Reading & Penis Vehicle Logo by SLOB.
Source Material Obtained From "Men's Health"
 

DISCLAIMER
The Author of the above does not claim to hold any medical qualifications what-so-ever (or any other qualifications at all for that matter!), the text is provided for amusement only. Medical advise should only be obtained from your doctor, I will not accept any responsibility if you take your penis to a mechanic for work to be undertaken and it all goes horribly wrong.
I AM NOT A DOCTOR I'M A SHAGNASTY AND THE ABOVE IS ONLY MEANT AS A BIT OF A LAUGH - CLEAR?

 

 

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04 April 2004

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Last modified: Sunday, April 04, 2004 05:25:30 PM
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Albert Fish: "We had lunch. Grace sat on my lap and kissed me. I took her to an empty house in Westchester I had already picked out. When we got there, I told her to remain outside. She picked wildflowers. I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off. I knew if I did not, I would get her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the window and called her. Then I hid in the closet until she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run down the stairs. I grabbed her, and she said she would tell her mama. First I striped her naked. How she did kick, bite and scratch. I choked her to death, then cut her into small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms, cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me nine days to eat her entire body. I did not fuck her, though I could have, had I wished. She died a virgin."

"I always had a desire to inflict pain on others and to have others inflict pain on me. I always seemed to enjoy everything that hurts. The desire to inflict pain, that is all that is uppermost... What a thrill that will be if I have to die in the electric chair. It will be the supreme thrill. The only one I haven't tried.... I am Christ! I am Christ!"

Richard Chase: "The first person I killed was sort of an accident... The second time, the people had made a lot of money and I was jealous. I was being watched, and I shot this lady --got some blood out of it. I went to another house, walked in, a whole family was there. I shot the whole family. Somebody saw me there. I saw this girl. She had called the police and they had been unable to locate me. Curt Silva's girlfriend --he was killed in a motorcycle accident, as a couple of my friend were, and I had this idea that he was killed through the syndicate, that he was in the Mafia, selling drugs. His girlfriend remembered about Curt --I was trying to get information. She said she was married to someone else and wouldn't talk to me. The whole syndicate was making money by having my mom poison me. "

Ed Kemper: "If I were seeing this patient without having any history available or without getting the history from him, I would think that we're dealing with a very well adjusted young man who had initiative, intelligence and who was free of any psychiatric illness...In effect, we are dealing with two different people when we talk of the 15 year boy who committed the murder and the 23 year old man we see before us now... It is my opinion that he has made a very excellent response to the years of treatment and rehabilitation and I would see no psychiatric reason to consider him to be of any danger to himself or to any member of society."

Jeffrey Dahmer: Found by police in Dahmer's apartment: Skulls stripped of hair and skin, stashed on the shelves and in the fridge. A pail full of hacked off hands. A torso in the kitchen sink ripped open from the neck to groin. A jar containing a pickled penis, a severed penis lying on the sink. Another severed penis in a lobster pot in the fridge. Two 50 gallon garbage cans filled with rotting torsos.

Ottis Toole: Just like that Mexican wasn't going to let me out of the house. I took an axe and chopped him all up. What made me... I've been meaning to ask you... that time when I cooked some of these people? Why'd I do that?
Henry Lucas: I think it was just the hands doing it. I know a lot of things we done, in human sight, are impossible to believe.
OT: When we took 'em out and cut 'em up... remember one time I said I wanted me some ribs? Did that make me a cannibal?
HL: You wasn't a cannibal. It's the force of the devil, something forced on us that we can't change. There's no reason denying what we become. We know what we are. Ottis, you know everything you say is going on tape here?
OT: I know... Remember how I liked to pour some blood out on them?

Ed Gein: "He stated that prior to the first grave robbing incident, he had been reading adventure stories of head hunters and cannibals. He related in detail one story of a man who had murdered a man, aquired his yacht and was later captured and killed by head hunters... When asked about the sexual aspects of this activity he commented on the great variations in age of the bodies. When it was pointed out that he was interested only in the bodies of women, he stated that the articles he read indicated that these heads were more valuable because of their longer hair."

Andrei Chikatilo: "Look at this useless thing. What do you think I could do with that?... I am not a homosexual... I have milk in my breasts; I am going to give birth!"

Nina Beletskaya: "I wanted to see this man who could rip open my son's stomach and then stuff mud in his mouth so that he would not cry out. I wanted to know what he looked like, to know which mother could bear such an animal." 

John Haigh: "I saw before me a forest of crucifixes which gradually turned into trees. At first there appeared to be dew, or rain, dripping from the branches, but as I approached I realized it was blood. Suddenly the whole forest began to writhe and the trees, stark and erect, to ooze blood...A man went to each tree catching the blood...When the cup was full he approached me. 'Drink,' he said, but I was unable to move."

Robin Gecht: "Have you ever heard of the 'Ripper Crew murders'? Robin Gecht, Tommy Kokorolies, Andy Kokorolies, and Eddie Sprietzer made up this horrible group. They killed over 18 women. Robin Gecht was considered 'the boss'. He was the most evil out of them all. I have recently began corresponding with him. The way they killed these innocent women is unimaginable. They would abduct a female, cut off one of her breast, and would take turns having sex with the open wound. After they would take the severed breast home and each would masturbate into the fresh portion of the breast. Then they would cut the breast into little pieces and then eat it."

Peter Kurten: "After my head has been chopped off, will I still be able to hear, at least for a moment, the sound of my own blood gushing from my neck? That would be the pleasure to end all pleasures."

Georg Karl Grossmann: Another post-WWI-German degenerate that made a living selling human flesh. Georg, a horrifying individual, was acquainted with every kind of perversion, even bestiality. A former butcher, after nights of heavy drinking, he would bring prostitutes home, have sex with them, and hack them into pieces. The next day he would peddle their flesh as beef or pork. He was arrested in August, 1921, when his landlord summoned the police to his door following a loud altercation. Inside his pad they found a freshly butchered lass ready to be chopped up. They also found evidence of at least three other divvied up girls. The mad butcher laughed when he was given the death sentence and proceeded to hang himself in jail.

Karl Denke: A German innkeeper from Silesia with a taste for the "long pig," Denke butchered at least thirty of his lodgers and kept their pickled remains in the basement of his inn. When he was arrested in 1924 he told police that for the past three years he had eaten only human flesh.

Fritz Haarmann: Haarmann stalked the train stations of post-WWI Hannover searching for young boys. He enjoyed biting his prey to death and making sausages with their remains. Always the enterprising killer, he sold the meat and clothing of his victims in the local black markets.

Joaquim Kroll: Kroll operated in the Ruhr-area of Germany for over 20 years to the tune of 14 dead. In the mid-sixties, after his six murder, he tasted human flesh and discovered an affinity for it. On July 3, 1976, police entered his apartment and found plastic bags full of human flesh in the refrigerator as well as a stew simmering on the stove with carrots, potatoes, and the hand of a missing four-year-old girl.

Stanley Dean Baker: When Stanley Dean Baker was stopped in Monterey County, California, for possible involvement in a hit-and-run accident, he shocked the arresting officer when he uttered the highly unusual phrase: "I have a problem, I'm a cannibal." To prove his point he pulled out of his pocket a handful of human fingers. The fingers, which Baker had been snacking on, belonged to the hand of a missing 22-year-old social worker named James Schlosser.Baker -- not a shy cannibal -- boasted to police about eating Schlosser's heart raw, and claimed to have developed a taste for human flesh while undergoing electroshock therapy for a nervous disorder. A prototypical hippie Satanist, Baker is one of the growing number of modern cannibals currently making headlines worldwide.

Issei Sagawa: While taking classes at the famed Sorbonne, Issei Sagawa, the son of a wealthy Tokyo industrialist, invited fellow student Renee Hartevelt to his apartment to discuss literature. Once the unsuspecting "dinner guest" arrived, the slightly-built Sagawa shot her in the back of the neck, had sex with her corpse, and started nibbling on her nose and part of a breast. "It had no smell or taste, and melted in my mouth like raw tuna," he wrote in In the Fog, his post-cannibal best-selling account of his dinner with Renee. "Finally I was eating a beautiful white woman, and thought nothing was so delicious!"In custody Sagawa was found incompetent to stand trial and placed in the Paul Guiraud asylum in Paris. Through family connections he was transferred to a hospital in Tokyo. And within fifteen months of hospitalization his influential father secured his release. By then, Sagawa had become a national celebrity, an accomplished author, and his "Parisian affair" was parodied in the song "Too Much Blood" by the Rolling Stones.

Daniel Rakowitz: In 1989 Daniel Rakowitz cannibalized his girlfriend, Monica Beerle, after accidentally killing her during a sadistic beating in her apartment in New York's Lower East Side. "I killed her and boiled her head," he told a friend, "Then I made soup out of her brains. It tasted pretty good." A small-time drug dealer and devil-worshipper, Rakowitz enjoyed his cannibalistic trangression so much that he scrawled on the door of his apartment, Is it soup yet? Welcome to Charlie Gein's Ranch East... Home of the Fine Young Cannibals.

Gary Heidnik: Gary Heidnik's cannibalism grew out of his abusive relationship to women and his willingness to break all taboos. Heidnik, Philadelphia's most dysfunctional citizen, amassed a small fortune playing the stock market while running his own church and gathering a harem of sex slaves whom he fed dog food and kept chained to water pipes in the basement of his home. When two of the slaves died, Gary, the resourceful type, dismembered and cannibalized them. In an inspired twist of cruelty, he also chopped up pieces of their flesh, mixed it with dog food and fed it to his other captives.

Dale Merle Nelson: A sexually dysfunctional lumberjack, Dale fought his impotence with violence and liquor. On September 5, 1970, tanked up with booze and hatred, he drove to his wife's relatives' house where he killed a women and her seven-year-old daughter. Feeling a bit hungry, he slit the young girl's gut and munched on the half-digested food in her entrails. He then went to a neighbor's house and killed all six inside, sodomizing an eight-year-old girl as she died. Feeling hungry again, he returned to the first house and stole the corpse he previously had for dinner.

Marcelo Costa de Andrade: Over a nine-month period Marcelo tallied 14 dead in the streets of Rio de Janeiro. His victims of choice were poor street urchins whom he attracted to deserted areas, raped and strangled. He also practiced necrophilia, decapitated one of the boys, crushed the head of another, and, in two occasions, drank their blood. Later he confessed his vampiric thirst was merely "to become as beautiful as them."

Arthur Shawcross: 'They would wire up little kids or babies like land mines and put them where we would pick them up. Once you touched a baby, it would blow you to pieces. Fingers and teeth everywhere. I remember one time in Pleiku, a small little girl about six walked into a bunch of GI's and exploded. Another time there was this fat little girl sitting on a pile of dirt and was not moving; crying yes, but not moving. We did not get too close, but we walked around her. Good thing, too, she had a wire around her waist going down the crack of her ass into the ground. We had a jeep with us. Put a loop under her arms and a good hundred feet of rope between her and the jeep. That jeep took off and that girl came off that pile in two ways, pulled and pushed. She left a thirty foot crater and lost a foot also. When the GI's saw abandoned babies they often didn't ask questions. They just gave them a wide berth and blew them up. One time I ate part of one. That scared the mam-sans all to hell...'

Cannibalism in Sebastopol: "These were people who cut up and ate corpses, who killed their own children and ate them, I saw one. She had been brought to the district centre under convoy. Her face was human but her eyes were those of a wolf."

Cannibalism in North Korea: On October 7, 1997, ABC News reported that starving North Koreans are now resorting to cannibalism for sustenance. "People are going insane with hunger. They even kill and eat their own infants," said a North Korean military officer who fled to China with his family. Another North Korean who got out said that in his home city of Wonson a husband and wife were executed in May for murdering 50 children and storing their salted flesh in a hut.

New reports of cannibalism in North Korea have surfaced in a TV documentary about the 200,000 orphans being raised by this Communist state. Carla Garapedian, producer of Children of the Secret State, a BBC-Channel 4 co-production, said that her interviews with refugees escaping North Korea revealed, "acts of unspeakable barbarism not seen since Pol Pot's Cambodia". In an article for the Japanese Daily Yomiuri newspaper she writes: "(The) footage is shocking. Starving children abandoned by the state. Orphans thrown into state asylums and left to die." According to the filmmaker farmers have been ordered by the government stop growing food and grow opium. "The opium would then be processed by the state into heroin and then sold abroad. The proceeds would go to arm the military."

In her article the documentarian describes the drawings of 15-year-old Jang Gil-su, who with his family fled North Korea and is now living in China. The pictures, given to Garapedian by a refugee support group in Seoul, depict families eating pine bark, rats, snakes and anything else to stay alive. "All of the North Koreans we interviewed knew about it. Jang's picture of a dismembered child in a cooking pot says more than any of the numbing statistics," Garapedian wrote.

Indonesian Cannibalism: The London-based Independent newspaper reported that up to 4 000 people -- not 300 as reported by the government -- died in riots in January and February of this year in the remote Indonesian province of West Kalimantan on Borneo island. Many of the dead were decapitated or had their hearts torn out. Richard Lloyd Parry, a reporter for the Independent, said he had obtained evidence of "an ethnic war of scarcely imaginable savagery, fought according to ancient principles of black magic."

Muslim settlers from the island of Madura have repeatedly clashed over land and jobs with the local tribesmen, the Dayaks, who once were headhunters but have now been converted to Christianity. Witnesses described seeing thousands of Dayaks, wearing war-paint, shooting Madurese with homemade shotguns, cutting off their heads, drinking their blood and removing and eating their hearts.

Nikolai Dzhurmongaliev - Possibly Russia's most industrious cannibal, Nikolai Dzhurmongaliev has claimed to have killed between seven to 100 women, and served many of them to his dinner guests. Nikolai used at least 47 of his victims to make ethnic dishes for his neighbors in the Russian republic of Kyargyzstan. When arrested, Nikolai pointed out that two women could provide enough delicate meat to keep him going for a week.

Jean-Bedel Bokassa: On November 3, 1996, Jean-Bedel Bokassa -- a.k.a. the "Ogre of Berengo" -- died of a heart attack in the villa where he had lived since his release from prison three years ago. A self-proclaimed emperor and president-for-life of Central Africa, Bokassa was twice condemmed to death for the massacre of 100 children, some of which, reportedly, he ate. In 1979, although having fathered 50 children with his 15 wives, The children were slaughtered in a Bangui prison for protesting against the cost of school uniforms.

Being a former leader, his two death sentences were commuted to 20 years in prison by President Andre Kolingba. After being release from prison, Bokassa settled in a villa in Bangui, the capital of Central Africa. According to his son, the former cannibal remained lucid to the very end. Ironically, the same radio station that condemmed and vilified his actions ten years before, now described him as an "illustrious" national heroe. Bokassa left behind 15 wives and more than 50 children.

Clifford Orji & Tahiru - Two suspected Nigerian cannibals were arrested under a bridge in Lagos after residents heard the cries of a woman one of them he was about to kill. Remains of roasted human parts were recovered in their shack under under a bridge in Lagos. "Some of the limbs and feet on the man's grill are believed to be those of a young woman, going by the size of the feet and the long black permed hair," the Guardian newspaper reported, "The rest of the body ... was said to have been eaten up before the arrest." The bizarre incident sent shockwaves through Lagos, causing a massive traffic jam as thousands of spectators massed around the area to catch a glimpse of the cannibal hut.

The suspects were identified as Clifford Orji and Tahiru. The cannibal duo, who appear to be mildly retarded, allegedly dug holes on the ground for unwary passers-by to fall into, before killing them and roasting their bodies. They allegedly preferred attacking women, especially "young, fine girls with long hairs... We wanted to stop women from wearing wigs."

Orji, who is the more vocal of the duo, claimed to have come "from America." He confessed that they enjoyed raping their victims before munching on their flesh. Orji said he usually went out to hunt for their victims, while Tahiru acted as the butcher.

The demented killer added: " I just look unto the forehead of any woman, blow the air from my mouth as directed by the spirit, then, the woman will follow me. When I get to the underbridge, I will have sexual affair with her to a state of unconsciousness before we slaughter her and roast. I am not alone, I have between four to 10 people. They take their own parts and go while I wait again for another meat." It is unclear how many victims the serial cannibal-couple killed and ate. Neighbors said the two killers lived under the brigde of the Airport Road for years and were suspected of murdering people to sell their body parts for rituals.

Ssande Sserwadda - "I'm proud to be a cannibal. My brother is a cannibal, and my father is a cannibal. His father was a cannibal as was his father's father," Ssande Sserwadda told Chief Magistrate Isaac Muwata in a packed court in Luweero. "We are a family of cannibals, we always have been, and I feel queasy if I go too long without tasting human meat. But just because we like to eat human flesh, does that mean we're bad people?"

Sserwadda, a twenty-three-year-old factory worker from Luganda, was defending himself after being arrested for trespassing on a burial site, contrary to section 114 of the Ugandan Penal Code Act. "None of us has ever killed anybody, that would be immoral. But we like our human flesh, and we don't see anything wrong in digging up corpses and eating them, after they've been buried. We don't like to see the meat going to waste. And we always wait at least a week after the funeral, out of respect to the relatives, and also because the meat tastes much better once it's matured. I have personally eaten parts of seven corpses in the past year, but my brother is the really greedy one. He's eaten dozens."

After Sserwadda had been convicted and sentenced to three years imprisonment, he stunned prison warders by asking if he could take with him the human leg bone which had earlier been shown in court as an exhibit. "It's still got plenty of meat on it. It's a shame to let it go to waste." He picked his teeth at the judge and jury as he was escorted from the court. (The New Vision (Uganda), 3/2/01. Spotter: Dr Peter Fellows)

David Harker - On February, 1999, cannibal killer David Harker admitted to manslaughter in the death of 32-year-old Julie Paterson, on grounds of diminished responsibility. Prosecutor Paul Worsley told Teesside Crown Court in northeast England that Harker confided to a psychiatrist that he chopped up his victim and ate part of her body with pasta and cheese. Harker, 24, who has the words "Subhuman" and "Disorder" tattooed on his scalp, claimed he strangled mother-of-four Julie Paterson with her tights after he "got bored" during a sex session. He told psychiatrists he then had sex with her before chopping off her head and limbs, slicing flesh from her thigh, skinning it and cooking it.

Possible Cambodian Cannibal Killer - Police in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, said they suspect that a young woman may have been killed by a cannibal and made into soup. Scavengers at a dump found a pair of feet and some bones wrapped in plastic while picking through rubbish. Police said they found a lung, some hair, two feet, a leg bone and three ribs. The bones had knife marks on them. "If it was just a killing why do they need to cut the flesh from the body," said senior criminal investigator, Ek Kreth. "We're investigating the possibility she might have been killed for making soup," Ek Kreth added. He did not elaborate.

Nicolas Claux - Dubbed the "Vampire of Paris" by the French press, this 22-year-old mortician was arrested in the summer of 1994 after a series of random homophobic .22 caliber shootings. In custody, Claux confessed to one murder, claiming to be a practicing satanist. A search of his apartement turned up unidentified skeletal remains, blood bags stolen from a hospital's blood bank, funeral jars filled with human ashes, and hundreds of hardcore S/M videotapes.

Described by court psychatrists as being a "nearly psychotic sadist", Nico shocked investigators when he described how he enjoyed eating strips of muscles from the corpse lying on the slab of the St. Joseph hospital mortuary. He also described how he enjoyed prowling Parisian cemetaries, digging up fresh graves, and drinking human blood mixed with human ashes and powder protein.

Due to the lack of evidence connecting him to the other crimes, Nico was only charged with one count of premeditated murder and six counts of grave robberies. During his trial, psychatrists confirmed that he couldn't be held entirely responsible for his crimes. In may 1997, he unrepentant necrophilic cannibal was found guilty of murder and sentenced to 12 years of prison. He will be eligible for parole in late 2000.

Dorangel Vargas - In a country with hardly any serial killer history, the self-confessed cannibal Dorangel Vargas has become a Venezuelan media darling. Dubbed the "Hannibal Lecter of the Andes" by the local press, Vargas claims to have eaten up to 10 men in the last two years. He was arrested on February, 1999, in the city of San Cristobal, near to the Colombian border.

"Sure I eat people," the candid cannibal told reporters. "Anyone can eat human flesh, but you have to wash and garnish it well to avoid diseases... I only eat the parts with muscles, particularly thighs and calves which are my favorite ... I make a very tasty stew with the tongue and I use the eyes to make a nutritious and healthy soup." Vargas said he prefers the taste of men to women and will not eat hands, feet or testicles, "although I've been on the point of trying them on various occasions." He said he rejected overweight men because they had too much cholesterol, and the elderly were spared because their flesh "is contaminated and very tough."

However, notwithstanding the large amount of bones found buried around his shack, many doubt the veracity of his story. Press reports claim that he preyed on homeless men and laborers whom he clubbed to death with a metal tube, but Vargas said he was "given" the bodies by various people, including the police. Some locals speculate that Vargas may be being used as a scapegoat for a ring of human organ traffickers. Congress said it planned to investigate reports that Vargas is a former mental hospital patient who was arrested on similar charges four years ago but released shortly afterward.

Marc V. Sappington - A man in Kansas City was charged with three counts of first-degree murder in a case that investigators said involved "deviant cannibalistic tendencies." Marc V. Sappington, 21, was charged with killing three men since April 7. He was being held on $2 million bond. Kansas City, Kan., Police Lt. Vince Davenport, commander of the homicide division, said evidence indicated cannibalism was the motivation. Police also said Sappington had a fascination with Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sappington was taken into custody April 12 for questioning in the death of 16-year-old Alton "Fred" Brown, whose dismembered body was found in Sappington's basement. Brown's body was found two days before after a resident of the home noticed blood on the basement stairs and called police. Authorities said Brown had been shot to death, with limbs severed. Sappington also was charged with the murders of Terry Green, 25, and Michael Weaver, 22.

Kevin Artz - A Jackson man was been charged with murdering his wife, then cutting her up and cooking her. After 12 years of marriage Kevin Artz said he looked at his wife Patricia and saw the devil staring back. In July of 1999Artz allegedly struck his wife with a metal pipe, dismembered her body and cooked it for two days at their family restaurant. Police arrested Artz while he was putting a box that contained the severed head of his wife on a nearby porch. Several weeks prior to the alleged murder Artz underwent brain surgery to remove a large blood clot.

Even though he has been found competent to stand trial, several defense experts are now in the process of testifying that the operation caused him to go insane. Some of Artz' neighbors said this was the only explanation they could accept. "The cops were never called there," said Rose Hubbell. "We never heard of any domestic violence or repeated police scenes there at all." Neighbors said they are grateful that the restaurant has now been transformed into an entirely different kind of business.

Cannibalism in Congo In January 2003 a U.N. team was dispatched to Congo to investigate reports that rebel troops from the Congolese Liberation Movement and its allied Congolese Rally for Democracy-National have been killing and eating Pygmies in the northeastern province of Ituri. "The U.N. is taking these accusations very seriously," said Manodje Mounoubai of the U.N. mission in Congo. The six-person team has been in the province of Ituri looking into the accusations. The two rebel factions often hire Pygmies to hunt food for them in the forests as they fight to oust the rival rebel Congolese Rally for Democracy-Liberation from mineral-rich areas of Ituri province, a U.N. official said. If the expert hunters return empty-handed, rebel troops kill and eat them, the official said.

Speaking by telephone from the Congolese capital, Kinshasa, Mounoubai declined to give further information until investigators leave the area. Other U.N. officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said investigators have established that the charges are credible. The Program for Aid to Pygmies in Beni, a Congolese advocacy group, called for help for the Pygmies, who it said were threatened with extinction. "It is unacceptable that the international community focuses on protecting endangered animals like the okapi, the mountain gorilla and the rhinoceros and pays no attention to the fate of human beings like ... the Pygmies, who are nevertheless every bit as much in danger of extinction," the group said.

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